


No One Makes It Out Alive

by SarahWritesThings



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt & Comfort, Kathryn needs some help, Oh look, Post-Episode: s07e25 Endgame (Star Trek: Voyager), Tumblr Prompt, alpha quadrant life, another sad fic, she's been struggling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-06-27 10:13:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19788769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SarahWritesThings/pseuds/SarahWritesThings
Summary: “Do you hate me…for leaving?”“I could never hate you.”“…Do your blame yourself?”“Every single day that I don’t wake up next to you.”





	1. Trainwreck

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a prompt [from Tumblr](https://queenspock.tumblr.com/post/186251397955/person-a-do-you-hate-mefor-leaving-person-b), because nothing was stopping me. :D  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **April, 2378 - Kathryn Janeway ******  
>   
> Name taken from["Trainwreck" by James Arthur](https://youtu.be/W1UNDLRsF8M), which further inspired the fic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise the comfort comes in Chapter Two....I just got sidetracked by the hurting part of the hurt.  
>   
>  **CONTENT WARNING: Suicidal idealation/tendancies.**  
> 

It had been exactly three months since Captain Kathryn Janeway had seen the last of the Delta Quadrant. Since she had stared down the endless tubes and Borg cubes, and somehow survived to land just a few lightyears from Earth.

Three months since she last sat in her Captain’s chair, three months since she had sat around the table in the Briefing room, looking at her Senior Staff. It had been three months since the world made sense.

There had been no shortage of celebrations for the _Voyager_ crew. Between the official Starfleet functions, the promotion ceremonies, and the parties thrown by individual families, Kathryn had found herself travelling back and forth across the galaxy, attending as many as she could.

Of course, there was no reason why she had to attend each one. But the Admiralty had refused to give her a new assignment, essentially forcing her take leave for months on end. At least travelling across the Quadrant felt like she was going home.

Tonight they were celebrating the crew of the _Pathfinder Project._ It had been Tom and B’Elanna’s idea. They wanted to celebrate the people who had worked tirelessly for almost two years in order to find _Voyager_. They were the ones who had found a way for _Voyager_ to get in contact with the Alpha Quadrant and made it possible for the crew to talk to their loved ones during that final year. It made the whole thing feel a little less lonely.

Kathryn was thankful for the _Pathfinder Project_ , there wasn’t a doubt in her mind. She remembered receiving her first letter from her mother, delivered to her ship courtesy of the MIDAS array and _Pathfinder_. It had been bittersweet, know they were still so far away, yet felling so close at the same time.

And then they had arrived on Starfleet’s doorstep, and everything had changed.

She hadn’t mean to run. She had never meant to run. A _Janeway_ does not _run_. But she couldn’t help it. The world had been closing in and the only thing she could think to do was to find another world.

Unfortunately visits to her crew would always come to an end, and soon enough she would be back on a ship, travelling to her next destination. Until one day she found herself back on Earth, reading a message from Tom, giving her the details for the Pathfinder Gala, and asking if she would be able to make it.

So on a warm April night, Kathryn Janeway found herself walking into the ballroom, taking in the hundreds of people filling it to the brim. Kathryn he felt her chest constrict at the sight. _Everyone_ was here. The Doctor, Tom, B’Elanna, baby Miral, Harry, Seven, Tuvok … _Chakotay_.

Her breath hitched as she saw him, laughing away with Harry and Lieutenant Barclay. He looked at ease, calm and collected.

She hadn’t seen him, hadn’t really seen any of her Senior Staff since the end of the debriefings and the last of Starfleet’s official functions. She had gotten used to seeing her crew in snippets. Tuvok and Vorik on Vulcan, a handful of the crew on Bajor, a particularly memorable celebration on Deep Space Six.

Kathryn felt her head begin to pound. There was to much, to many people, to huge a weight to bare.

They would ask questions, she knew they would. They cared, for some god forsaken reason. They would want to know where she had been and what she had been doing. They would wonder why she hadn’t stayed on Earth.

She nearly jumped out of her skin when a hand appeared on her elbow.

“Katie, it’s great to see you!” Owen Paris beamed at her.

She forcibly smiled back, trying desperately to quiet her mind. “Owen…it’s good to see you too.”

“Tom was telling me you were attending every single party you could. Glad to hear you were letting loose after so long!”

Her breathing was shallow, “yes…it’s been great meeting everyone’s families.”

_Family._

He gave her a warm pat on the shoulder, “I always knew you’d be a fantastic Captain, Katie.”

She nodded, feeling her face muscles screaming against the fight to keep appearances up.

Mercifully, the announcement of dinner helped Kathryn’s sudden inability to speak. Owen held out his elbow and lead her to the head table, grinning proudly at _Voyager_ ’s crew as they passed.

Chakotay headed the other direction, to the table where the Senior Staff were sat.

_Family._

They placed food in front of her, she pushing it around with her forced and tried to keep a level head. Speeches were made, and Kathryn kept her eyes up, eyes focused on the speaking with appearance. She had no idea how much time had passed, when the lights changed and music began to play.

Kathryn looked around, desperately trying to keep follow what had happened, but all seemed to be over. Couples were making their way to the dance floor, and Kathryn sat frozen, feeling like her heart would stop at any moment.

_Family._

So, she left. She hadn’t meant to run so much, but the idea of freedom had been too much to ignore, and her feet moved of their own accord. She had moved around the outside of the room, barely stopping to nod at the people she passed.

The cool night air felt like a lifeline on her face. There was a spirt of clarity that allowed Kathryn to look around the park, realizing where she was. The little signs along the path pointed her towards the transport hub, and she was thankful for someone giving her the directions she needed.

She just wished the little Starfleet insignias weren’t laughing at her.

Kathryn moved along the path, thankful for Starfleet Headquarters being so empty this late at night. She didn’t think she could handle another person looking at the great Kathryn Janeway, expecting so much more then she knew how to give.

She stumbled into the train station. The bright lights were cruel on her tired eyes, but the station was mercilessly empty. Just a few people dotted the platform, waiting for their trains and blinking weariness out of their eyes, hoping to stay awake until they made it home for the night.

Desperately, she looked around to the sign just above her head. She should have taken a transport, the train back to Starfleet housing wasn’t coming for another five minutes.

Kathryn sighed, resigning herself to a cold wait in the awful bluish lights. The rush of air to her brain made her feel dizzy.

She began to walk, trying to shake the fog that was encasing her brain more and more by the passing second. All she had to do was get home. Home to the little apartment Starfleet had assigned her after _Voyager_ had gotten back. Home to the place that felt less like home than any hotel room or ships quarters she had been staying in.

Suddenly, her equilibrium was thrown off. She wobbled, teetering precariously close to the train tracks by her side.

Wildly she tried to center herself, to pull her body weight back to solid ground as she was pulled towards the cold metal below. She felt herself losing the fight.

_Falling_.

A thought appeared in her head. A wild, welcoming, evil little thought.

_Do it. Fall._

A firm weight appeared on her arms, yanking her away from the sweet depth below. Big green eyes appeared in front of her, calling out to her.

_I could have died._

“Ma’am? Ma’am? Are you alright?”

_I should have died._

“Yes….yes, I’m sorry, I’m fine.”

The man stared at her, a hand on each shoulder, steadying her. “Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

He looked at her for a moment more, but eventually let go on her arms, bidding her a good night, and letting Kathryn walk into the darkness.


	2. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **April, 2379 - Chakotay ******
> 
> Name taken from ["Recovery" by James Arthur](https://youtu.be/m9DO3zpdWqw).

It had been a normal day. He had taught his lessons, run some office hours, and had a nice dinner with Tom and B’Elanna. So, by the time he was on his way home, Chakotay was plenty exhausted, but satisfied. Life had been good to him since _Voyager_ got home. To be fair, there had been a solid chance he would be thrown in prison the second they crossed into Sector One, so he was thankful things had taken a different turn.

His life was simple, and he was glad for it. No more phaser fights with Cardassians, no more near-miss Warp Core malfunctions, no more crashing shuttles onto random moons and hoping _Voyager_ found them before someone died some sort of dramatic death.

These days, the most exciting things were getting to see how much Miral was growing or hearing of new postings for _Voyager_ crew members. He especially enjoyed hearing the excuses his students gave for why they hadn’t finished their assignments on time.

The little moments, beautiful in their comfort and their predictability, but each providing a different sparkle to his days. These were the things he had come to love and expect in his life.

What he didn't usually expect was to open his apartment door at midnight, only to see Kathryn Janeway, standing in the rain.

She had been looking over her shoulder, eyeing the few people wandering down the quiet street, but turned sharply as he opened the door.

Instinctively he found himself enraptured by her. Her blue eyes shining back the warm light of his entryway.

“ _Chakotay_ ,” she breathed.

His voice reponded of him own accord. “What are you doing here?”

She smirked at him, “well, _hello_ to you too.”

He shook his head, taking a step back. “I’m sorry, Kathryn….why don’t you come in?”

She crossed his doorway, coming to stop in the little hallway. She was dripping wet, ever so slightly shivering as she looked around his home.

It was silent except for the sound of the rain battering the outside world.

Chakotay stared at her, forcing his voice to produce some sort of constructive thought.

“What are you doing on Earth?”

As far as he knew, she had been off in some far-reaching corner of the Beta Quadrant, mediating some minor disputes between a small Romulan colony and a neighboring Klingon house. The Doctor had told him. Chakotay had been suprised that she wasn't commanding her own ship, purely acting as a diplomat on behalf of the Federation.

She turned back to face him, one piece of hair sending drops of water down her cheek. “My mission ended last week. I reported back to the Starfleet brass, and Owen Paris ordered me to take a month of shore leave before I would be allowed to get another assignment."

The corners of her mouth were upturned, projecting a humor about the situation, but there was a certain tenseness in her voice, buried in the furthest depths of her timbre. Her hands were shoved deep in her pockets, her shoulders were scrunched ever so slightly under the thick layers of her coat.

Chakotay pondered for a moment. Even when they had been on _Voyager_ , Kathryn hadn't been on to show up on his doorstep unnanounced, especially at the end of the night. He had always gone to her quarters, even when Kathryn was the one to reach out, inquiring to his evening activies.

He decided to take the gentle route, “Would you like a cup of coffee, Kathryn?”

She nodded ever so slightly, her eyes locked at his.

He reached out to take her coat. She seemed to take the smallest step back in response to the advancement, but seemed to quickly realize his intentions and let herself be led by Chakotay’s care. Grabbing her hand softly, he lead her her into his living room and gave her a gentle shove to sit on the sofa, before moving to the kitchen to make drinks.

He kept one eye on her profile while he silently worked in the kitchen. Kathryn seemed to be examining the wall in front of her. Presumably looking at the books and decorations he had on the bookself there.

With a mug in each hand, Chakotay moved to her side, sitting on the opposite end of the sofa. She didn’t even seem to register his presence until he had gently called her name.

Kathryn turned and blinked at him. Chakotay felt a jolt run through his spine as he saw a new darkness consuming her eyes. Without a word, she accepted the mug, her hands ever so slightly brushing his as she grabbed it.

He sat back, letting himself look at her. _Really_ look at her.

It had been more than a year since he had seen her last. It had been just a few months since _Voyager_ had made it back to the Alpha Quadrant, during the celebration for the _Pathfinder Project._

Kathryn had been there, front and center, beaming the entire time as she shook hands with person after person. She had sat through dinner, sitting at the head table with Admiral Paris and Lieutenant Barclay, while Chakotay had sat with _Voyager_ ’s Senior Staff. From a distance, she had looked happy and relaxed, sharing jokes with the people around her and making a beautiful toast to the _Pathfinder_ crew. And then she had disappeared, without a word to anybody.

A week later the Doctor told him that she had taken the damned assignment and left.

Kathryn and Chakotay stared at each other, mugs grasped in their hands and eyes never loosing contact.

He wanted to explode at her. To ask how she could have abandoned her crew after seven years in hell together, but something stopped him. The dark circles under her eyes, and the way she sat still, far too still.

“Kathryn…are you okay?”

This seemed to startle her slightly. She jerked, the mug sloshing a bit of coffee onto the back of her hand. She looked down at it, idly rubbing the spot where drops had landed as she responded, “of course I am.”

“Are you sure? Because you look like hell.”

He had expected a patented Janeway glare in responce, but instead Kathryn open and shut her mouth. She seemed to refuse to look at him.

“A year since we last spoke and you still know me as well as ever.” She sighed, letting her shoulders drop slightly. ”I miss it, you know. In some twisted way I miss _Voyager_.”

Kathryn’s hands were gripping the mug like it was a life line.

“I know a lot of the crew feels the same way. Hell, more than half the crew is seeing those Starfleet counselors, trying to work through everything that happened.” Chakotay chuckled, “Deanna Troi says it’s to be expected. When we left _Voyager_ , we left what had been our home for three quarters of a decade.”

“Deanna Troi? Wasn’t she the _Enterprise_ ’s counselor?”

“Yes. She took a special assignment to oversee the Voyager crew. After it became apparent that most of us would need help to cope with the transition.”

_Us._

She stared at him, those big blue eyes swirling with a thousand questions, but biting her tongue.

He continued, “she’s a good counselor. Everyone in weekly counseling will see her once every other month, so that way she can coordinate and make group sessions where it would be helpful.”

“Have you been seeing her then?”

“Yes,” he said simply.

She looked down, finally noticing the coffee sitting inside the cup in her hands. Carefully she took a sip.

Chakotay set his own mug on the small table next to him. His throat was dry in a way that tea wouldn’t be able to fix. “It’s ironic, I always thought that getting home would mean that everything was fixed. But really I think it’s caused so many new problems for so many different people.”

“Do you regret coming home?” Her voice quivered ever so slightly.

He remembered how he had felt all day, before Kathryn had turned his world upside down yet another time. “Not for a moment.”

“Do you think the crew does?”

It was a raw question. A question that could only asked within the two of them. The two of them who had survived so much together, and yet found new and unique ways to punish themselves for it.

“No. Because we’re here, and we’re alive.”

“I hope you’re right.”

It was funny, Chakotay thought, she disappeared for months upon months, refused to talk to anyone, and now showed up, unannounced, asking about how the crew had been.

Abruptly, she broke the silence. **“Do you hate me…for leaving?”**

 _Leaving_. That’s what she had done. She had stuck around, long enough to see the Maquis trial through, and then she had jumped on the first assignment she had been offered. Twelve months on the outskirts of the Quadrant, serving as a diplomatic consultant for a few small alien species with a disagreement over resources. Twelve months with little to no contact with her former crew. Twelve months without a word, despite so many messages sent to her, and Admiral Paris’s reassurance that there were no communication difficulties.

But Chakotay shook his head, **“I could never hate you.”**

“Even though I left.”

“Never. I _can’t_ hate you.”

Kathryn’s whole body seemed to shake slightly now, refusing to look at him. **“…Do your blame yourself?”**

He had tried. He had _really_ tried to get in contact. He had pestered Admiral after Admiral, trying to get an answer as to why she wasn’t responding to anyone from _Voyager_. By every single rule book, he had done everything he could.

He sighed, running his hand over the grain of his table. He decided to be honest. **“Every single day that I don’t wake up next to you.”**

Her head snapped up, locking eyes with him so forcefully Chakotay felt himself being drawn in, and he wanted to get lost in them. To get lost in Kathryn Janeway.

“You can’t mean that. Not after so long.”

Did she mean seven years in the Delta Quadrant, or their recent year apart? He had a sneaking suspicion it could be both.

“I mean it. I always have.”

Her voice was barely above a whisper, “I don’t know why I’m here.”

“Well I hoped it was to see me.”

Kathryn ran a hand over her face, he got the impression she was trying to keep calm. “No Chakotay, I came to you because you always make sense to me. But I don’t know who I am out _here_.”

He leaned forward, wanting to pull her struggles are worries from her soul. “What do you mean?”

“In the Delta Quadrant, I was Captain Janeway. My job was to get the crew home or die trying. And I’ve done that, so what do I do now?”

“You live.”

There was a beat. He had no idea where that answer had come from, but saying it made it feel so honest and true.

She blinked, then slowly responded, “what if I don’t know how to do that?”

Finally, Chakotay reached out to her, he pulled her free hand into both of his own.

_Us._

“Then you do the best you can, until we figure it out.”


End file.
